Depression and Me

Hi

I started off writing this posts in response to the 'Our Fertility Struggle' that was posted on Meet The Millards YouTube channel but I realised it was actually my battle with depression that underpins the whole journey. So I decided to change it slightly, so here goes (deep breath):

I have battled with low self esteem and anxiety all my life really, looking back I was not raised in an environment where I was ever made to feel good about myself. My parents had me when they were very young and split up soon after I was born, I honestly don't think either of them ever meant to but I spent most of my life feeling like I had ruined theirs by being born. My dad was mostly indifferent to me and my mums idea of motivating me was telling me not to get pregnant and ruin my life like she had!!

It wasn't until my late teens / early 20s when I slipped into a deep deep depression, looking back now it scares me to think how close I came to actually taking my own life. I would spend hours and hours googling ways to commit suicide, my biggest fear wasn't dying it was actually waking up. I was terrified it wouldn't work and I would be back at square one. I would truly wish to get ill, so that the decision was taken out of my hands! that sounds awful but I would wish to take the place of people who had everything to live for as I thought I had nothing.

If you are reading this and thinking I am selfish for even thinking about it and not considering the people I was going to leave behind, then I agree 100% with you. At the time my opinion of myself was so low I honestly thought I was doing everyone a favour, I had a fantastic boyfriend (now my Husband) and I was convinced he didn't really love me and just felt sorry for me.

During this time I would have massive food binges, I still don't quite know why I did this it was just another way to punish myself I think! which resulted in my gaining around 100lbs in 2 years!! (this is the link to my fertility, I am no longer ovulating which the doctors think is linked to my weight).

I know this post has gotten quite dark, but I decided if I was going to do this I was going to be 100% honest. Also I wanted to show how far I have come, and hopefully if 1 person reads this and it gives them a bit of hope then it was all worth it.

I can happily say now I 100% believe I am winning my battle with depression, I don't think it will ever fully go away but at the moment I am on top of it which is the best I can hope for.

My biggest break through was talking openly to my boyfriend, over the years I had been quite good at hiding how low I was and I don't think he every fully understood until I told him everything. The second thing was I went to the doctors and told them my anti-depressants were not helping me (I am not in any way suggesting people come off their anti depressants but for me they didn't work), it was suggested I have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is one of the best things I have ever done. It helped me to realise I was spending my time trying to be the person I thought people wanted me to be and as a result I had lost myself (I know that sounds very cheesy and cringey but I don't know how else to describe it). I slowly started to build myself up again and made sure I surrounded myself with people who liked me for being me.

As part of my therapy I also realised I am never going to change my parents or the rest of my family, the only thing I can change is my reaction to them and how I let them make me feel. You should never let other peoples insecurities and behaviours effect how you feel about yourself!!

I turned 30 this year and I feel truly happy for the first time in my life. My mission for the next couple of years is to get healthy and loose weight, not by any stupid crazy diets but just changing my life style and doing it sensibly. We are currently seeing a fertility specialist but are at a bit of a stale mate until I loose weight. I am determined not to let this beat me and I will NOT go down the road I have in the past, most of all I will be honest when I am having down days or feeling anxious. My husband is a truly amazing man and has been with me every step of the way and I now realise this is our battle not mine to face alone.

Sorry to have rambled on so long! but this has been strangely therapeutic and I now realise how far I have come.

I would love to hear your stories,

Becky xxx

Barry M - Berry Lilac

This was my first ever Barry M purchase, but when I saw the nail polishes on 3 for 2 in Superdrug I couldn't resist!

The colour is very daring for me, I am very much a pink and red kinda gal when it comes to nail polish. I decided to live on the edge and try lilac 😄

The colour is beautiful!! I love it. It is a gorgeous pastel lilac and not as bright as I originally thought. 

I have had several compliments on the colour every time I have worn it. 

My only negative would be the brush, I prefer the wider brushes to apply nail polish. That is purely a personal choice so should not put you off buying it.

I am wearing the seche vite top coat in the pictures above, I will review this soon

Becky

Xoxo 

Fat Free Fruit Cake

I am currently going through the same weight battle as lots of women are, so I am always on the lookout for low fat / healthy snacks.

I have slightly adapted a fat free tea cake recipe, I now make this cake every week and take to work for a snack. Even if I say so myself I think it is delicious

Ingredients:

200g plain wholemeal flour
300g currants / raisins (I normally do half and half)
1/2 pint cold tea
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 mixed spice (this can be reduced to taste)
1 over ripe bananas

Recipe:

1. Preheat oven to 180 C / 350 F / Gas Mark 4

2. Soak the currants / raisin in the cold tea over night. Don't be tempted to skip this step as it is what makes the cake really moist.

3. Mash the banana with a fork and add to a clean mixing bowl

3. Add the rest of the ingredients (including the currants / raisins) 
to the mixing bowl and stir until all mixed together, see picture below:

4. Grease a small loaf tin and pour in the mixture

5. Bake for approx 1 hour until golden brown and risen

6. Remove from tin and cool on wire cooling rack

7. When completely cool slice and store in an air tight container.

I slice this into 12 - 15 slices,

Nutritional Information (based on 15 slices, as per MyFitnessPal.com):

Calories - 109
Carbs - 27
Fat - 0
Protein - 2
Sodium - 1
Sugar- 19

Let me know your thoughts, or share any low calorie recipes you have (I could do with all the help I can get)

Happy Baking

Becky xoxox

Coconut oil - Fact or Fiction ????

I have been reading everywhere lately all about the wonders of coconut oil, I have been very intrigued to say the least.

Even though I  have literally dozens of half used beauty products in my draws, I decides one more wont hurt and purchased this organic coconut oil from amazon.

The main reasons for the purchase is that my skin is really sensitive recently and I am really struggling to find skincare products that don't cause irritation, especially to take all my makeup off.

Reading some of the reviews it sounds like coconut oil solves just about every problem known to man, I am planning on testing it out over the next few weeks on both my skin and hair. I will write a full review to let you know if it lived up to the hype.

I would love to know your experiences, so let me know if you have used it or there are any other wonder products you ave tried.

Wish my luck........

Becky xoxo

Fragrance Direct Haul

Warning to those of you that are on a spending ban at the moment you will not be able to visit this site without spending money!

On the plus side everything is ridiculously cheap so you get lots for you money

http://www.fragrancedirect.co.uk/

I first stumbled across this site when I was looking for discounted OPI polish (call me a penny pincher but I am not happy spending £9 on 1 polish) After browsing the site for a while I saw they have essie polish or £1.99! Yes £1.99!!

There are far too many great bargains for me to mention on here so have a look for yourself, I brought all of the following for the just £24.87 (incl P&P), I have included my first impressions next to each item:

• Essie Camera 13.5ml - £1.99 (first impressions are this is very bright! perhaps will not be worn until summer time)

• Bourjois 1 Seconde Nail Polish 8ml  02 - £1.49 (love this shade its lilac / silver metallic shade, I also love the brush it is wider than normal which will make application much simpler)

 

• Bourjois 1 Seconde Nail Polish 03 8ml - £1.49 (this is equally gorgeous its a gold metallic shade)

• Sally Hanson Hard as Nails 13.3ml Truffle - £1.99 (this is ok but not amazing, I would say it is more of a pink shade than truffle)

•  Sally Hanson Hard as Nails 13.3ml Sheer Vanilla - £1.99 (this is nothing special really but it was exactly what I was looking for a sheer polish, like a clear polish but with a slight colour to it)

• Sally Hansen Complete Manicure Salon Nail Polish 14.7ml Lavender Cloud - £1.49 (I don't really like this to be honest, it looks more of a white shade than lavender. It might be different when more than 1 coat is applied so I will let you know)

• Sally Hansen Complete Manicure Salon Nail Polish 14.7ml Pedal for the Me - £1.49 (love this, it is a shimmer silver metallic shade)

• Sally Hansen Complete Manicure Salon Nail Polish 14.7ml Cherry Cherry - £1.49 (the jury is out on this shade, after 1 coat it looks like a bright purple shade. This may be perfect for some people but not really my thing)

• W7 Harder & Tuffer Nail Treatment 15ml - £1.99 (I am trying this out as I have very weak nails hopefully this will help)

• Sally Hansen Super Shine Top Coat 13.3ml - £2.50 (this is my favourite top coat, it leaves polish looking really shiny)

Other more boring items that I ordered were:

• Sally Hansen Extra Strength Polish Remover 354.8ml - £1.99
• Sally Hansen Emery Boards - £0.99
• Royal 4 Way Nail Buffer - £0.99

I will write more in depth reviews once I have had a chance to road test everything.

(Before anyone asks I am not affiliated with the site in anyway, just sharing a bargain)

Happy Shopping xxx

Miners The Matte Factor Lip Paint

After reading the various reviews for Miners The Matte Factor Lip Paint I decided to take the plunge and purchase a couple for myself. The reviews were all positive and promised big things, so I was looking forward the testing this out.

I ordered 2 colours Cappuccino & Deep Red,

Cappuccino is a warm neutral colour ideal for very day wear, it looks scarily brown at first but a little goes a long way and when applied sparsely it leaves a gorgeous nude tone with a slight hint of peach.

I LOVE Deep Red it is a strong red shade without being overpowering. It is perfect for weekend or a night out. As with Cappuccino a little goes a long way and on application the colour is much lighter than it first appears, it is a gorgeous red shade with a hint of cherry.

Both shades are long lasting, surprisingly Deep Red is actually the better of the 2.
I actually wore Deep Red for a meal out with friends and several people commented that my lipstick was still intact after a meal and a glass (or four!!) of wine.

I have been wearing Cappuccino most days for work and I only need to reapply at lunch time, which is much better than other lipsticks I have tried that disappear after my first cup of coffee.

I love both of these and for £3.99 I think they are great value, I am actually going to but the other colours in the range.

Can be brought from www.minerscosmetics.co.uk

Enjoy and let me know your thoughts xxx
PS - Apologies for the poor quality pictures I am purchasing a new camera

No7 Beautiful Skin Cleansing Brush

I have been debating whether or not to jump on the Clarisonic bandwagon for a couple of months, the only thing that was really holding me back was the hefty price tag. I have sensitive skin and was reluctant to shell out £100+ for something that could possibly not suit my skin.

After quite literally hours searching the web (I know I need to get out more!) I came across a couple of reviews for the new No7 Beautiful Skin Cleansing Brush. I will admit the reviews were mixed and those reviewers that had used both the Clarisonic and the No7 version preferred the Clarisonic, despite this and mainly due to the price difference I decided to take a trip to my local Boots (like I need much encouragement) to purchase the No7 Cleansing Brush.

The brush was on offer at £15, bargain!! (I also used my advantage points to buy it, double bargain!!)

Now enough rambling down to the actual review:

First Impressions:
The brush is not the most attractive thing in the world, it only comes in 1 colour (unlike the Clarisonic) and is plastic looking which makes it look cheap (if that makes any sense!?!)

It is battery powered which for me personally is an advantage because I am rubbish at remembering to charge things and already have 101 chargers dotted around the house so I certainly don't need another one.

The brush has 2 settings, this is good for me and other people with sensitive skin as the slower setting is less harsh on your face and doesn't leave your skin feeling as irritated and raw after using it.

The big disadvantage for me at the moment is that there isn't a range of brushes to suit different skin types and you can't even purchase replacement brushes, I have been assured that new brushes will be coming soon. Me being the naive and trusting person I am believed them and purchased the brush anyway.

Application:
When talking through how to use the brush with the No7 sales rep in Boots they told me there was no need to take my makeup off before using the brush, however after the first couple of uses I found that it wasn't removing all my makeup (can I just add I do not wear layers and layers of makeup, my current foundation of choice is the No7 Beautifully Matte Foundation - link below). I changed my routine slightly and used Simple Clear Skin Oil Balancing Face Wipes (link below) to remove most of my makeup and then used Soap & Glory Peaches and Clean (link below) with the brush.

Some other reviews on-line mentioned the No7 brush was not as easy to control as the Clarisonic, as I have never used a Clarisonic I can't comment on this but I can say I had no problems using the brush at all and found it easy to control.

Overall Verdict:
I use the brush every other day (mainly due to my sensitive skin) and I have noticed a huge difference in my skin. I used to suffer from blackheads on my chin (I know! very attractive) these have now more or less all cleared up, I have even noticed my skin is less oily.

I would definitely recommend this, especially before shelling out on the much more expensive Clarisonic.

Links:
No7 Beautifully Matte Foundation
Simple Clear Skin Oil Balancing Cleansing Wipes
Soap & Glory™ Peaches and Clean

Pictures:

Hope this was helpful