Hi
I started off writing this posts in response to the 'Our Fertility Struggle' that was posted on Meet The Millards YouTube channel but I realised it was actually my battle with depression that underpins the whole journey. So I decided to change it slightly, so here goes (deep breath):
I have battled with low self esteem and anxiety all my life really, looking back I was not raised in an environment where I was ever made to feel good about myself. My parents had me when they were very young and split up soon after I was born, I honestly don't think either of them ever meant to but I spent most of my life feeling like I had ruined theirs by being born. My dad was mostly indifferent to me and my mums idea of motivating me was telling me not to get pregnant and ruin my life like she had!!
It wasn't until my late teens / early 20s when I slipped into a deep deep depression, looking back now it scares me to think how close I came to actually taking my own life. I would spend hours and hours googling ways to commit suicide, my biggest fear wasn't dying it was actually waking up. I was terrified it wouldn't work and I would be back at square one. I would truly wish to get ill, so that the decision was taken out of my hands! that sounds awful but I would wish to take the place of people who had everything to live for as I thought I had nothing.
If you are reading this and thinking I am selfish for even thinking about it and not considering the people I was going to leave behind, then I agree 100% with you. At the time my opinion of myself was so low I honestly thought I was doing everyone a favour, I had a fantastic boyfriend (now my Husband) and I was convinced he didn't really love me and just felt sorry for me.
During this time I would have massive food binges, I still don't quite know why I did this it was just another way to punish myself I think! which resulted in my gaining around 100lbs in 2 years!! (this is the link to my fertility, I am no longer ovulating which the doctors think is linked to my weight).
I know this post has gotten quite dark, but I decided if I was going to do this I was going to be 100% honest. Also I wanted to show how far I have come, and hopefully if 1 person reads this and it gives them a bit of hope then it was all worth it.
I can happily say now I 100% believe I am winning my battle with depression, I don't think it will ever fully go away but at the moment I am on top of it which is the best I can hope for.
My biggest break through was talking openly to my boyfriend, over the years I had been quite good at hiding how low I was and I don't think he every fully understood until I told him everything. The second thing was I went to the doctors and told them my anti-depressants were not helping me (I am not in any way suggesting people come off their anti depressants but for me they didn't work), it was suggested I have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is one of the best things I have ever done. It helped me to realise I was spending my time trying to be the person I thought people wanted me to be and as a result I had lost myself (I know that sounds very cheesy and cringey but I don't know how else to describe it). I slowly started to build myself up again and made sure I surrounded myself with people who liked me for being me.
As part of my therapy I also realised I am never going to change my parents or the rest of my family, the only thing I can change is my reaction to them and how I let them make me feel. You should never let other peoples insecurities and behaviours effect how you feel about yourself!!
I turned 30 this year and I feel truly happy for the first time in my life. My mission for the next couple of years is to get healthy and loose weight, not by any stupid crazy diets but just changing my life style and doing it sensibly. We are currently seeing a fertility specialist but are at a bit of a stale mate until I loose weight. I am determined not to let this beat me and I will NOT go down the road I have in the past, most of all I will be honest when I am having down days or feeling anxious. My husband is a truly amazing man and has been with me every step of the way and I now realise this is our battle not mine to face alone.
Sorry to have rambled on so long! but this has been strangely therapeutic and I now realise how far I have come.
I would love to hear your stories,
Becky xxx
